March/April 08
Children Jokes
She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter as she'd done many times before.
After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one
said, 'But Gramma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!'
My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday.
He asked me how old I was, and I told him, '62.' He was quiet for a
moment, and then he asked, 'Did you start at 1?'
After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin.
Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, 'Who was THAT?'
A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own
childhood was like: 'We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods.' The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, 'I sure wish I'd
gotten to know you sooner!'
My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, 'Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?' I mentally polished my halo while I asked, 'No, how are we alike?'
'You're both old,' he replied.
A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfa
ther's word processor. She told him she was writing a
story. 'What's it about?' he asked. 'I don't know,' she
replied. 'I can't read.'
I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors
yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and
ask what color it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It
was fun for me, so I continued. At last she headed for the door,
saying sagely, 'Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of
these yourself!'
When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the
lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects.
Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy
whispered, 'It's no use, Grandpa. The mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights.'
When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, 'I'm
not sure.' 'Look in your underwear, Grandpa,' he advised. 'mine says
I'm four to six.'
A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, 'Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today.' The
grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool.
'That's interesting,' she said, 'how do you make babies?' 'It's simple,' replied the girl. ' You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'.'
Children's Logic: 'Give me a sentence about a public servant,' said a
teacher. The small boy wrote: 'The fireman came down the ladder
pregnant.' The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. 'Don't you
know what pregnant means?' she asked. 'Sure,' said the young boy
confidently. 'It means carrying a child.'
A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids
home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front
seat of the truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing
the dog's duties. 'They use him to keep crowds back,' said one child. 'No,' said another, 'he's just for good luck.'A third child brought the
argument to a close. 'They use the dogs,'she said firmly, 'to find the
fire hydrants...
January/February 08
Church Bullitens
THE FOLLOWING ARE ACTUAL ANNOUNCEMENTS TAKEN FROM CHURCH BULLETINS
This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
Tuesday at 4:00 p.m. there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk, please come early.
Wednesday, the Ladies Society will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing “Put me in my Little Bed” accompanied by the Pastor
Thursday at 5:00 p.m. there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All those wishing to become little mothers, please meet the minister in his study.
This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Johnson to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
The service will come to a close with “ Little Drops of Water” One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.
On Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the expense of a new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the carpet, come forward and get a piece of paper.
The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the Church basement on Friday afternoon.
A bean supper will be held Saturday evening in the Church basement. Music will follow.
The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belsar, the sin of Rev. & Mrs. Julius Belser.
The Barber
A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded, dirty and full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking TWA," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"TWA?" exclaimed the barber. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are rude, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"
"We'll be at the downtown International Marriott."
"That dump! That's the worst hotel in the city. The rooms
are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced. So,
whatcha doing when you get there?"
"We're going to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."
"You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the
size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going
to need it."
A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome.
"It was wonderful," explained the man, "not only were we on time in
one of TWA's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and
they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28 year old stewardess who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel - it was great! They'd just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it's the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the barber, "I know you didn't get to see the Pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke to me."
"Really?" asked the Barber. "What'd he say?"
"He said, 'Where'd you get the lousy haircut?'"
NOV/DEC 07
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Something Cheap
After being away on business for a week before Christmas, Tom thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift.
"How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk. She showed him a bottle costing $50.
"That's a bit much," said Tom, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.
"Thats still quite a bit," Tom groused.
Growing disgusted, the clerk brought out a tiny $15 bottle.
Tom grew agitated, "What I mean," he said, "is I'd like to see something real cheap."
So the clerk handed him a mirror.
|
Size of the Bird
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery
store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She
asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead." |
Thank You Notes
One Christmas, mom decreed that she was no longer going to remind her children of their thank-you note duties. As a result, their grandmother never received acknowledgments of the generous checks she had given.
The next year things were different, however.
"The children came over in person to thank me," the grandparent told a friend triumphantly. "How wonderful!" the friend exclaimed. "What do you think caused the change in behavior?"
"Oh, that's easy," the grandmother replied. "This year I didn't sign the checks."
|
For The Kids
Q: What do elves learn in school?
A: The Elf-abet!
Q: If athletes get athletes foot, what do astronauts get?
A: Missletoe!
Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
A: Frostbite.
Q: Why was Santa's little helper depressed?
A: Because he had low elf esteem.
Q: Why does Santa have 3 gardens?
A: So he can ho-ho-ho.
Q: Why do birds fly south for the winter ?
A: Because it's to far to walk.
Q: What kind of bird can write?
A: A PENguin.
Q: What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas time?
A: Sandy Claus!
Q: How do sheep in Mexico say Merry Christmas?
A: Fleece Navidad!
Q: What nationality is Santa Claus?
A: North Polish.
Q: What do you call a bunch of grandmasters of chess bragging about their
games in a hotel lobby?
A: Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!
Q: What do you get if you deep fry Santa Claus?
A: Crisp Cringle.
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SEPT/OCT 07
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Robo Teacher
A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all. On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school.
Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled
the tie to his chest.
He had no trouble with discipline that term.
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Good Deeds
A Cub Scout trop was half an hour late to its den meeting. The den mother asked them severely, “Why are you so late?”
“Oh,” said one boy, “we were helping an old man cross the street.”
“That’s nice, but it shouldn’t make you half an hour late.”
“Well, you see,” said another boy, “he didn’t want to go.” |
Bathroom Savior
A Sunday school teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on his birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that he grew up, etc. So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"
Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in Heaven."
Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."
Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!"
The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a
response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very
long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Little
Johnny how he knew this. And Little Johnny said, "Well... every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and
yells ‘Jesus Christ, are you still in there?”
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Drawing God
A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's artwork. As she came to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing the girl replied, "They will in a minute."
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Three Cajuns
Three Cajuns were working on a cell phone tower - Boodro, Thibodeaux and Fontenot. As they start their descent Fontenot slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly
As the ambulance takes the body away, Thibodeaux says, "Mais,..Someone should go tell his wife."
Boodro says, "OK. Me? Ah'm pretty good at dat sensitive stuff, Ah'l do it."
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Root Beer
Thibodeaux says, "Boo, where did you get dat root beer, hanh?"
"Mizz Fontenot, she gave it ta' me," Boodro replies.
"Mais, dat's sumthin, you told duh lady her husband wuz dead and she gave you root beer?"
"Mais, not exackly", Boodro says. "Wen she answered duh door, Ah said to her, "You muss be duh Widow Fontenot'."
She said, "Mais,No, not me. Ah'm not a widow."
Den Ah said, "Ah'll bet you a case of Root Beer you are!"
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July/August 07
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Mr. Hudsons Daughter
A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Hudson's daughter." Her mother told her this was wrong, she must just say, "I'm Jane Hudson." The minister spoke to her in Sunday school and said, "Aren't you Mr. Hudson's daughter?" She replied,
"Well, I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."
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0 to 200 in 6 seconds
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.
She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.
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Billing
A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party.
Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.
After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"
"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."
The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try.
The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.
When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer
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At The Vet
A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog,
screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an
examination room and has him put his dog down on
the examination table. The vet examines the still,
limp body and after a few moments tells the man
that his dog, regrettable, is dead.
The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept
this, demands a second opinion.
The vet goes into the back room and comes out with
a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog's body.
The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail poking
and sniffing the dog's body and finally looks at the vet
and meows. The vet looks at the man and says,"I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead too." The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead.
The vet brings in a black Labrador. The lab sniffs the
body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the
vet and barks. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm
sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too."
The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the
vet and asks how much he owes.
The vet answers, "$650."
"$650 to tell me my dog is dead?" exclaimed the man....
"Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was
for the cat scan and lab tests."
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May/June 07
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Excuses, Excuses
A policeman pulls over a driver for swerving in and out of lanes on the highway. He tells the guy to blow a breath into a breathalyzer.
"I can't do that, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm an asthmatic. I could get an asthma attack if I blow into that tube."
"Okay, we'll just get a urine sample down at the station."
"Can't do that either, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm a diabetic. I could get low blood sugar if I pee in a cup."
"Alright, we could get a blood sample."
"Can't do that either, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm a hemophiliac. If I give blood I could die."
"Fine then, just walk this white line."
"Can't do that either, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm drunk."
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Complaints
A customer was bothering the waiter in a restaurant. First, he asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down cause he was too cold, and so on for about half an hour. Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, he walked back and forth and never once got angry. So finally, a second
customer asked him why he didn't throw out the pest. "Oh, I
really don't care or mind," said the waiter with a smile. "We
don't even have an air conditioner."
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Minutes and Pennies
Little Jimmy was laying about on a hillock in the middle of a meadow on a warm spring day. Puffy white clouds rolled by and he pondered their shape. Soon, he began to think about God.
"God? Are you really there?" Jimmy said out loud.
To his astonishment a voice came from the clouds. "Yes, Jimmy?
What can I do for you?"
Seizing the opportunity, Jimmy asked, "God? What is a million years
like to you?"
Knowing that Jimmy could not understand the
concept of infinity, God responded in a manner to
which Jimmy could relate. "A million years to me,
Jimmy, is like a minute."
"Oh," said Jimmy. "Well, then, what's a million dollars
like to you?"
"A million dollars to me, Jimmy, is like a penny."
"Wow!" remarked Jimmy, getting an idea. "You're so generous...
can I have one of your pennies?"
God replied, "Sure thing, Jimmy! Just a minute."
Pirate Injuries
A pirate was talking to a "land-lubber" in a bar. The land-lubber noticed that, like any self-respecting pirate, this guy had a peg leg, a hook in place of one of his hands and a patch over one eye. The land-lubber just had to find out how the pirate got in such bad shape. He asked the pirate,
"How did you loose your leg?" The pirate responded,
"I lost me leg in a battle off the coast of Jamaica!" His new acquaintance was still curious so he asked,
"What about you hand. Did you loose it at the same time?"
"No," answered the pirate. "I lost it to the sharks off the Florida Keys." Finally, the land-lubber asked,
"I notice you also have an eye patch. How did you loose your eye?
The pirate answered,
"I was sleeping on a beach when a seagull flew over and went to the bathroom right in me eye." The land-lubber asked,
"How could a little seagull droppings make you loose your eye?" The pirate snapped,
"It was the day after I got me hook!"
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Where I God?
A couple had two little boys, ages eight and ten, who were excessively
mischievous. The two were always getting into trouble and their parents could be assured that if any mischief occurred in their town their two young sons were in some way involved. The parents were at their wits end as to what to do about their sons' behavior.
The mother had heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in
disciplining children in the past, so they decided to send their boys to see him.
The clergyman agreed to speak with the boys, but asked to see them
individually. The eight-year-old went to meet with him first. The clergyman sat the boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"
The boy made no response, so the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?"
Again the boy made no attempt to answer, so the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face, "WHERE IS GOD?"
At that, the boy bolted from the room and ran directly home slamming himself in his closet. His older brother followed him into the closet and said, "What happened?"
The younger brother replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time. God is missing and they think we did it!"
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March/April 07
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Cigar For The Judge
A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer. "If I lose this case, I'll be ruined." "It's in the judge's hands now," said the lawyer. "Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?" "Oh no! This judge is a stickler or ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even hold you in contempt of court. In fact, you shouldn't even smile at the judge." Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant. As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, "Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It worked!" "I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them." "But, I did send them." "What? You did?" said the lawyer, incredulously. "Yes. That's how we won the case." "I don't understand," said the lawyer. "It's easy. I sent the cigars to the judge, but enclosed the plaintiff's business card."
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Thank You Notes.
One Christmas, mom decreed that she was no longer going to remind her children of their thank-you note duties. As a result, their grandmother never received acknowledgments of the generous checks she had given.
The next year things were different, however.
"The children came over in person to thank me," the grandparent told a friend triumphantly. "How wonderful!" the friend exclaimed. "What do you think caused the change in behavior?"
"Oh, that's easy," the grandmother replied. "This year I didn't sign the checks."
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Shirley's Makeover
A woman named Shirley was from Beverly Hills. One day, she had a heart attack and was taken to Cedars Sinai hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near-death experience. She saw God and asked, "Is this it?" God said, "No, you have another 30 to 40 years to live." Upon her recovery, she decided to stay in the hospital and have collagen shots, cheek implants, a face lift, liposuction and breast augmentation. She even had someone dye her hair. She figured since she had another 30 to 40 years, she might as well make the most of it. She walked out of Cedars Sinai lobby after the last operation and was killed by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital. She arrived
in front of God and said, "I thought you said I had another
30 to 40 years?" God replied, "Shirley! I didn't recognize you!"
Pirate Injuries
A pirate was talking to a "land-lubber" in a bar. The land-lubber noticed that, like any self-respecting pirate, this guy had a peg leg, a hook in place of one of his hands and a patch over one eye. The land-lubber just had to find out how the pirate got in such bad shape. He asked the pirate,
"How did you loose your leg?" The pirate responded,
"I lost me leg in a battle off the coast of Jamaica!" His new acquaintance was still curious so he asked,
"What about you hand. Did you loose it at the same time?"
"No," answered the pirate. "I lost it to the sharks off the Florida Keys." Finally, the land-lubber asked,
"I notice you also have an eye patch. How did you loose your eye?
The pirate answered,
"I was sleeping on a beach when a seagull flew over and went to the bathroom right in me eye." The land-lubber asked,
"How could a little seagull droppings make you loose your eye?" The pirate snapped,
"It was the day after I got me hook!"
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God Will Provide
A young woman brings home her fiance to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. The father invites the fiancee to his study for a drink. "So what are your plans?" the father asks the young man. "I am a Torah scholar." he replies. "A Torah scholar. Hmmm," the father says. "admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she's accustomed to?" "I will study," the young man replies, "and God
will provide for us." "And how will you buy her a
beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?"
asks the father. "I will concentrate on my studies,"
the young man replies, "God will provide for us."
"And children?" asks the father. "How will you support
children?" "Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies
the fiance. The conversation proceeds like this, and each
time the father questions, the young idealist insists that God will
provide. Later, the mother asks, "How did it go, Honey?" The father
answers, "He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he
thinks I'm God."
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September/October 06
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Whats A Stable?
Every Christmas morning, when my kids were little, I read them the nativity story out of the big family bible.
When my son was old enough to talk, he asked me what a stable was.
I thought for a moment how to explain it to him in terms he could understand, then told him, "It's something like your sister's room, but without a stereo."
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Thank You Notes.
One Christmas, mom decreed that she was no longer going to remind her children of their thank-you note duties. As a result, their grandmother never received acknowledgments of the generous checks she had given.
The next year things were different, however.
"The children came over in person to thank me," the grandparent told a friend triumphantly. "How wonderful!" the friend exclaimed. "What do you think caused the change in behavior?"
"Oh, that's easy," the grandmother replied. "This year I didn't sign the checks."
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Bird Sized
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery
store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She
asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
Something Cheap
After being away on business for a week before Christmas, Tom thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift.
"How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk. She showed him a bottle costing $50.
"That's a bit much," said Tom, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.
"Thats still quite a bit," Tom groused.
Growing disgusted, the clerk brought out a tiny $15 bottle.
Tom grew agitated, "What I mean," he said, "is I'd like to see something real cheap."
So the clerk handed him a mirror.
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For The Kids
Q: What do elves learn in school?
A: The Elf-abet!
Q: If athletes get athletes foot, what do astronauts get?
A: Missletoe!
Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
A: Frostbite.
Q: Why was Santa's little helper depressed?
A: Because he had low elf esteem.
Q: Why does Santa have 3 gardens?
A: So he can ho-ho-ho.
Q: Why do birds fly south for the winter ?
A: Because it's to far to walk.
Q: What kind of bird can write?
A: A PENguin.
Q: What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas time?
A: Sandy Claus!
Q: How do sheep in Mexico say Merry Christmas?
A: Fleece Navidad!
Q: What nationality is Santa Claus?
A: North Polish.
Q: What do you call a bunch of grandmasters of chess bragging about their
games in a hotel lobby?
A: Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!
Q: What do you get if you deep fry Santa Claus?
A: Crisp Cringle.
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September/October 06
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Bragging Rights
Two men were boasting to each other about their old army days.
"Why, my outfit was so well drilled," declared one, "that when they presented arms all you could hear was slap, slap, click."
"Very good," conceded the other, "but when my company presented arms you'd just hear slap, slap, jingle."
"What was the jingle?" asked the first. "Oh," replied the other offhand, "just our medals."
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He's Going To Heaven
Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
The man said, "I do Father."
The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."
Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to got to heaven?"
"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.
"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.
Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."
The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that
when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting
a group together to go right now."
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Angering the Irish Man
Three Englishmen were in a bar and spotted an Irishman. So, one of the Englishmen walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder, and said, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a drunken loser."
"Oh really, hmm, didn't know that."
Puzzled, the Englishman walked back to his buddies. "I told him St. Patrick was a loser, and he didn't care." The second Englishman remarked, "You just don't know how to set him off...watch and learn."
So, the second Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was lying, cheating,
idiotic, low-life scum!"
" Oh really, hmm, didn't know that."
Shocked beyond belief, the Englishman went back to
his buddies. "You're right. He's unshakable!"
The third Englishman remarked, "Boys, I'll really tick
him off... just watch." So the third Englishman walked
over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and
said, "I hear St. Patrick was an Englishman!"
"Yeah, that's what your buddies were trying to tell me."
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Bronze Rat
A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs.
"Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and a thousand dollars more for the story behind it."
"You can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but I'll take the rat."
The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every
time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him. Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt.
No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously, now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes rushing up to the water's edge a trail of rats twelve city blocks long is behind him. Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can heave it. Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown.
Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop.
"Ah, so you've come back for the rest of the story," says the owner.
"No," says the tourist, "I was wondering if you have a bronze lawyer."
|
January/February 06
|
Don't Stop!
There are three men in the woods. they are hunter,
trapper, and stupid guy. Hunter goes out and comes back an hour
later with a bear. Trapper asks "how did you get that?"
Hunter says me find tracks, me follow tracks, me find bear, me shoot
bear, bear stop."
Trapper goes out and comes back an hour later with a deer. Stupid
guy asks "how did you get that?" Trapper says" me
find tracks, me follow tracks, me find deer, me shoot dear, dear
stop."
Stupid guy goes out and comes back two hours later bruised and nearly
dead with broken limbs. Hunter and trapper ask "What happened
to you?"
stupid guy says "me find tracks, me follow tracks, me find
train, me shoot train, train don't stop."
|
|
Nothing
Like a Good Meal
Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered.
Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were
able to give their elderly Mother.
The first said, "I built a big house for our Mother."
The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."
The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat.
You remember how Mom enjoyed reading the Bible?
And you know she can't see very well any more. I sent her
a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took
Elders in the church 12 years to
teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the
chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."
Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks:
"Milton," she wrote one son, "the house you
built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to
clean the whole house."
"Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too
old to travel any more. My
eyesight isn't what it used to be. I stay most of the time
at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is
so rude!"
"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son,
"you have the good sense to know what your Mother likes.
The chicken was delicious!"
|
New Porche
A man was reading the paper when an ad caught his
eye: $500 Porsche! New! The man thought that it was very unusual
to sell a Porsche for $500, and he thought it might be a joke,
but thought it was worth a shot. So he went to the lady's house
and sure enough, she had an almost brand new Porsche.
"Wow!" the man said. "Can I take it for a test
drive?" Unlike what he expected, the man found that the car
ran perfectly and took it back to the lady's house.
"Why are you selling me this great Porsche for only $500?"
"My husband just ran off with his secretary, and he told
me I
could have the house and the furniture as long as I sold his
Porsche and sent him the money."
|
Violent Bartender
A drunk walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "Drinks
for all on me. That is including you, bartender."
The bartender follows the man's order and says, "That will
be $42.50 please."
The drunk says he has no money, and the bartender slaps him around
and throws him out.
The next night, the same drunk comes in and orders a drink for everyone
in the bar including the bartender. Again, the bartender follows
the drunk's instructions and the drunk says he has no money. So
the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.
On the third night he comes in, the drunk orders drinks for everyone
except the bartender.
The bartender says, "What, no drink for me?"
"Oh, no. You get violent when you drink."
Lost Wives
Two guys are moving about in a supermarket when their carts collide.
One says to the other, "I'm sorry - I was looking for my wife."
"What a coincidence, so am I, and I'm getting a little desperate."
"Well, maybe I can help you. What does your wife look like?"
"She's tall, fit, with long hair and long legs.
What's your wife look like?"
"Never mind, let's look for yours!"
|
July/August 05
|
Elk Hunting
Two hunters got a pilot to fly
them into the far north for elk hunting. They were quite successful
in their venture and bagged six big bucks. The pilot came back,
as arranged, to pick them up. They started loading their gear into
the plane, including the six elk. But the pilot objected and he
said, "The plane can only take four of your elk; you will have
to leave two behind." They argued with him; the year before
they had shot six and the pilot had allowed them to put all aboard.
The plane was the same model and capacity. Reluctantly, the pilot
finally permitted them to put all six aboard. But when the attempted
to take off and leave the valley, the little plane could not make
it and they crashed into the wilderness.
Climbing out of the wreckage, one hunter said to the other, "Do
you know where we are?"
"I think so," replied the other hunter. I think this is
about the same place where we landed last year!"
|
To Putt or not
to Put
The schoolteacher was taking her
first golfing lesson.
"Is the word spelt p-u-t or p-u-t-t?'' she asked the instructor.
"P-u-t-t is correct,'' he replied.
"Put means to place a thing where you want it. Putt means merely
a vain attempt to do the same thing." |
Breeding
Familiarity
The manager of a large office noticed a new
man one day and told him to come into his office. "What
is your name?" was the first thing the manager asked
the new guy.
"John," the new guy replied.
The manager scowled, "Look... I don't know what kind
of a mamby-pamby place you worked before, but I don't call
anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that
leads to a break down in authority. I refer to my employees
by their last name only... Smith, Jones, Baker...
That's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson.
Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"
The new guy sighed, "Darling. My name is John Darling."
"Okay John, the next thing I want to tell you is .
. . "
|
Sleeping Pill
Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was
always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to
fire him if he didn't do something about it. So Tom went to his
doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went
to bed. Tom slept well and in fact beat the alarm in the morning
by almost two hours. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully
to work.
"Boss", he said, " The pill actually worked!"
"That's all fine" said the boss, " But where were
you yesterday?"
|
Counting Sheep
A man walking along a road in the countryside comes
across a shepherd and a huge flock of sheep. Stopping to rest, he
tells the shepherd, "I will bet you $100 against one of your
sheep that I can tell you the exact number in this flock."
The shepherd thinks it over. It's a big flock, so he takes the bet.
The man looks around and answers, "869." The shepherd
is astonished, because that is exactly right.
The shepherd says, "Okay, I'm a man of my word, take an animal."
The man picks one up and begins to walk away.
"Wait," cries the shepherd, "let me have a chance
to get even. Double or nothing that I can guess your exact occupation."
The man agrees.
"You are an accountant for the government," says the shepherd.
"Amazing!" responds the man. "You are exactly right!
But tell me, how did you deduce that?"
"Well," says the shepherd, "put down my dog and I
will tell you."
|
May/June 05
|
Blind Pilots
Passengers on a small commuter
plane are waiting for the flight to leave. The entrance opens, and
two men walk up the aisle, dressed in pilots' uniforms--both are
wearing dark glasses, one is using a seeing-eye dog, and the other
is tapping his way up the aisle with a cane.
Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin; but the men enter the
cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers
begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this
just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming. The plane moves
faster and faster down the runway, and people at the windows realize
that they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport
territory.
As it begins to look as though the plane will never take off, that
it will plow into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin--but
at that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air.
The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon they
have all retreated into their magazines, secure in the knowledge
that the plane is in good hands. Up in the cockpit, the copilot
turns to the pilot and says, "You know, Bob, one of these days,
they're going to scream too late, and we're all gonna die. . ."
|
One More Song.
These two convicts were about to
be executed. The Warden says to the first one "Do you have
a last request?"
The convict says "Yes. I'd like to hear A Brittney Spears song
one last time."
The Warden says "OK, I think we can arrange that."
Then he says to the second convict "How about you? Last request?"
The second convict says "Yeah. Kill me first." |
Gas Emissions
A man walks into a doctors office. He says,
"Doctor, I'm suffering from silent gas emissions. All
day at work, I have these silent gas emissions. Last night
during a movie, I had 10 silent gas emissions. This morning
in the car on the way to your office, I had five silent
gas emissions. And while waiting in your waiting room I
had three silent gas emissions. Right now, as a matter of
fact, I've just had two more."
The doctor replied, "Well, the first thing we're going
to do is check is your hearing!"
|
Cheap Cruise
A man is walking down the street when he sees a sign in the window
of a travel agency that says CRUISES - $100. He goes into the
agency and hands the guy $100. The travel agent then whacks him
over the head with a baseball bat and throws him in the river.
Another man is walking down the street a half hour later, sees
the sign and pays the guy $100. The travel agent then whacks him
with the baseball bat and throws him in the river. Sometime later,
the two men are floating down the river
together and the first man asks,
"Do you think they'll serve any food on this cruise?"
The second man says, "I don't think so. They didn't do it
last year."
|
Shrink's Problems
While attending a convention, three psychiatrists
take a walk.
"People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears,"
one says, "but we have no one to go to with our own problems."
"Since we're all professionals," another suggests, "why
don't we hear each other out right now?" They agreed this is
a good idea. The first psychiatrist confesses, "I'm a compulsive
shopper and deeply in debt, so I usually overbill my patients as
often as I can."
The second admits, "I have a drug problem that's out of control,
and I frequently pressure my patients into buying illegal drugs
for me."
The third psychiatrist says, "I know it's wrong, but no matter
how hard I try, I just can't keep a secret."
|
January/Febuary 05
|
Everyone's Busy
A telephone sales person makes
a call to an unknown prospect and a very small, very soft, very
quiet, and obviously young person answers the phone.
Sales person: Hello, may I speak to the man of the
house please?
Youngster: (whispering) No, he's busy.
Sales person: Well then, can I please speak to your
mother?
Youngster: (in a whisper) She's busy too.
Sales person: I see, how about your brother?
Can I speak to him?
Youngster: (whispering) No. He's busy too.
Sales person: (losing patience) Is your sister
there? Can I talk to her?
Youngster: (in a whisper) She's busy too.
Sales person: ( by now quite exasperated)
What are all these people doing
that keeps them so busy?!!!
Youngster: (still whispering) Looking for me.
|
Mad I tell You! Mad!
So there were these two cows, chatting
over the fence between their fields. The first cow said, "I tell
you, this mad-cow-disease is really pretty scary. They say it is spreading
fast; I heard it hit some cows down on the Johnson Farm."
The other cow replies, "Heck, I ain't worried,
it don't affect us ducks."
Penny For
Your Thoughts
A New Hampshireman stops by a
cafe for breakfast. After paying the tab, he checks his pockets
and leaves his tip--three pennies. As he strides toward the door,
his waitress muses, only half to herself: "You know, you can
tell a lot about a man by the tip he leaves."
The man turns around, curiosity getting the better of him. "Oh,
really? Tellme, what does my tip say?"
³Well, this penny tells me you're a thrifty man." Barely
able to conceal his pride, the man utters "Hmm, true enough."
"And this penny, it tells me you're a bachelor." Surprised
at her
perception, he says, "Well, that's true, too."
"And the third penny tells me that your father was one, too."
|
Hack Golfer
A hack golfer spends a day at a plush country
club, playing golf and
enjoying the luxury of a complimentary caddy. Being a hack
golfer, he plays
poorly all day. Round about the 18th hole, he spots a lake
off to the left
of the fairway. He looks at the caddy and says, "I've
played so poorly all
day, I think I'm going to go drown myself in that lake."
The caddy looks
back at him and says, "I don't think you could keep
your head down that
long."
|
|
Doctor Puts Down
Vet
A friend of mine told me this story about his sister,
a veterinarian, who had to visit the doctor. The doctor asked her
all the usual questions, about symptoms, how long had they been
occurring, etc., when she interrupted him:
"Hey look, I'm a vet--I don't need to ask my
patients these kind of
questions: I can tell what's wrong just by looking. Why can't you?"
The doctor nodded, looked her up and down, wrote
out a prescription, and handed it to her, with the words: "There
you are. Of course, if that doesn't work, we'll have to have you
put down."
|
November/December 04
"I once bought my kids a set of batteries formChristmas
with a note on it
saying, toys not included."
-- Bernard Manning |
10 Ways To Confuse
Santa
1. Instead of milk and cookies, leave
him a salad, and a note explaining
that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.
2. While he's in the house, go
find his sleigh and write him a speeding
ticket.
3. Leave him a note, explaining that you've
gone away for the holidays. Ask
if he would mind watering your plants.
4. Keep an angry bull in your living room.
If you think a bull goes crazy
when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red
Santa suit!
5. Leave a note by the telephone, telling
Santa that Mrs. Claus called and
wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on
his way
home.
6. While he's in the house, find the sleigh
and sit in it. As soon as he
comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn't have missed
that last
payment, and take off.
7. Take everything out of your house as if
it's just been robbed. When
Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, "Well,
well. They
always return to the scene of the crime."
8. Leave out a copy of your Christmas list
with last-minute changes and
corrections.
9. Leave Santa a note, explaining that you've
moved. Include a map with
unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house.
10. Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree
with Easter eggs. Dress up like
the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, "This
neighborhood
ain't big enough for the both of us."
|
Eyes Wide Open
As a little girl climbed onto Santa's
lap, Santa asked the usual, "And what would you like for Christmas?"
The child stared at him, eyes wide open, mouth
agape, then gasped: "Didn't you get my email?"
Pray Loud
Two young boys were spending the
night at their grandparents the week before Christmas. At bedtime,
the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the
youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs.
"I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE...
I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO...
I PRAY FOR A NEW VCR..."
His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger
brother and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't
deaf." To which the little brother replied, "No, but Grandma
is!"
|
Pretend
I didn't ask.
A few days after Christmas, my six-year-old
son and I were talking. He
asked, "Mom, is there a Santa Claus?"
"Well, what do you think?" I asked him.
He replied, "Well, my Playstation that
I got and my gift from Santa were
wrapped in the same kind of wrapping paper." He thought
for a minute and
said, "I'll tell you what ... you and Dad can go on
buying me presents and
let's just forget we ever had this talk!"
|
|
Broken Seal
Top 10 things
to say about a holiday gift you dont like:
10) Hey! There's a gift.
9.) Well, well, well...
8.) Boy, if I had not recently shot up 4 sizes,
that would've fit.
7.) Perfect for wearing in the basement.
6.) Gosh, I hope this never catches fire!
5.) If the dog buries it, I'll be furious!
4.) I Love it, but I fear the jealousy it
will inspire.
3.) Sadly, tomorrow I enter the federal witness
protection program.
2.) To think I got this the year I vowed to
give all my gifts to charity.
1.) I really don't deserve this.
|
| September/October 04 |
|
Where'd It Go?
There were these two old friends
who¹d had played golf together since they were kids. Lester
was 82 and his friend Ralph was 81.
One day, on the eight tee, Lester suddenly gave up. He turned to
his pal
and said, "Ralphie, old boy, I¹m afraid I¹m gonna
have to quit. I just
can¹t see anymore. I hit the ball, but I don¹t know where
it goes."
Ralph said to him, "You can¹t quit. We¹ve been playing
together all these years. It wouldn¹t be the same without you."
"But what can I do?" asked Lester
"You just leave it up to me. You go ahead and hit, and I¹ll
keep my eye on it," said Ralph
So Lester teed up and let fly. They stood silently for a few seconds.
Then Lester said, "Well Ralph, that sounded pretty good. Did
you see where it went?"
"Of course I did!"said Ralph
Lester said, "Well, where did it go?"
Ralph thought for a few seconds and said, "I forgot."
|
Fly Swattin
A woman walked into the kitchen
to find
her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded.
"Ah, Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 females,² he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone." |
Blind
as a Bat.
A vampire bat came flapping in from the
night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof
of the cave to get some sleep.
Pretty soon all the other bats smelt the
blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told
them to go away and let him get some sleep. However, the
bats persisted until finally he gave in.
"OK, follow me," he said and flew out of the cave
with hundreds of bats
behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river
and into a
forest full of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the
other bats
excitedly milled around him.
"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.
"Yes, yes, yes!" the bats all screamed in a hungry
frenzy.
"Good," said the first bat tiredly, "Because
I didn't!"
|
|
Broken Seal
A mother and her young son returned from the
grocery store and began putting away the groceries.
The boy opened the box of animal crackers and
spread them all over the table.
"What are you doing," his mother asked?
"The box says you can't eat them if the seal
is broken," the boy explained. "I'm looking for the seal."
Army of the Lord
Army of the Lord
A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the
preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands.
He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside:
The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"
My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."
Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas
and Easter?"
He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."
|
|
